How Loss Creates a Taunting Play on One Word

“It was a delicate business to honor the past but lean into the future, to remember the old but embrace the new, however unwanted it was.” Jerry Sittser, A Grace Revealed: How God Redeems the Story of Your Life

Alone. It is a very good word.

When a young man awakens to love and begins to pursue time alone with a young woman, alone is a very good word.

I’ll never forget the evening Kim and I both stayed at a friend’s parents’ house. One evening, we stayed up long after everyone else retired to their rooms. We sat on the floor and talked. We weren’t even dating yet. But we enjoyed a one-on-one conversation. From that point on, I sought alone time with Kim. She was my focus. Alone. Getting to know each other.

Aloneness equals discovery.

Weddings are known for gathering numerous people to celebrate and witness the joining of two lives into a union. While surrounded by the masses the new couple longs to be alone. Finally, the wedding ends. Away. Alone. Secluded.

Aloneness equals oneness.

Eventually children are born, bills await payment, and responsibilities grow. Diapers. Clambering. Demanding attention. Diapers. Parents are worn out. Careers. Diapers. Exhausted. A couple ends their days asleep on the couch with promises of a date night to get away and alone.

Aloneness equals survival.

Children grow into teenagers, young adults. A new existence being established. Independence desired. Feeling their way. The dance of give and take begins—an artful skill. Parental responsibility grows in significance. The stakes are higher. And work or church or community opportunities and responsibilities increase. Varied quadrants seeking your wisdom or even your availability. Couples long for time for each other.

Aloneness equals sanity.

Graduation. Empty nest. Alone at last. Over the days, weeks, months, years, and decades the momentum builds; at every turn you are seeking to be alone. And now aloneness arrives. I recall our last trip alone to Glacier National Park, Yellowstone National Park, and Grand Teton National Park for our 35th anniversary with great joy.

Aloneness equals reward.

Alone. It can also be a very difficult word. I’ve learned.

“…we do not enter into grief. Grief enters into us.” Julie Yarbrough, Inside the Broken Heart: Grief Understanding for Widows and Widowers

Suddenly, the proverbial lightning strikes, and the definition of alone changes in an instant. Or it could be over a grueling journey into illness and loss. Death visits uninvited. Alone. For real this time. Grief enters your story. And you’re alone in a very different way.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone…a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12

How can one word be both blissful and blistering? And just when you are discovering the definition of blissful aloneness, the ultimate bait and switch is pulled off. The bliss is tauntingly exchanged for blisters. Blistering aloneness. Death—and the resulting grief and loss—introduces you to a new type of aloneness.

Once you clawed after some alone time as a couple. Now you want to escape the uninvited isolation.

Alone. One word. Two very different meanings. A taunting play on a word.

There is only one way to face the taunting nature of loss and the loneliness that accompanies it. The deep love of Jesus is unchanging. Immutable. As Robert Grant wrote in his hymn, “O Worship the King,” Jesus is our “…Maker, Defender, Redeemer, and Friend!” He is our Companion, and he never leaves us nor forsakes us.

He does not leave us alone.

“…he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

“O the deep, deep love of Jesus! Love of ev’ry love the best: ’tis an ocean vast of blessing, ’tis a haven sweet of rest.” Samuel Trevor Francis, “O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus”

Note: I have just crossed the third anniversary of Kim’s death. In mystery and providence, this “alone” cycle has begun again. Next month, many people will gather for a wedding for Amanda and me. Then, we will depart for two weeks “alone.”