How I Found Bedrock on Morning Number One

How I Found Bedrock on Morning Number One

I got into my bed on Monday night just ten hours after learning that I’d lost my bride. As I put my head on the pillow, a song came to my mind: “You are good, you are good when there’s nothing good in me.” I leaned over to my phone, searched for the lyrics, copied and pasted the words from the song, Forever Reign, for later. These words by Jason Ingram and Reuben Morgan have ministered to me since God pushed the words into my mind. These lyrics are healing and faith-building. The song includes phrases such as:

“You are good, You are good, when there’s nothing good in me. You are love, You are love, on display for all to see. You are light, You are light, when the darkness closes in …You are peace, You are peace, when my fear is crippling. You are true, You are true, even in my wandering …You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting.

I’m running to Your arms, I’m running to Your arms. The riches of Your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the World forever reign …My heart will sing no other Name, Jesus…”

I have never had a night like that first night. I felt physical anguish, pain all night. I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. I couldn’t even cry. I could only moan and groan. I may have dozed between 3:00 AM and 5:00 AM. At least on and off.

I awoke at 5:00 AM looking up at the ceiling and simply said out loud, “In the beginning, God…” I was falling, but I found bedrock.

It’s amazing the thoughts that come to you. Cliff Jordan, our pastor, began a series the month before Kim’s death in the book of Genesis. And I awoke to the thought, “In the beginning, God…” Bedrock. Foundation.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

I praise God for Cliff and every other pastor, teacher, and friend who has ever poured truth into my life. I praise God for others who walked the road of loss and suffering before me, serving as testimonials. As I was facing the heart-breaking end of my marriage, it was healthy to be reminded that my marriage’s beginning was not the beginning of time. Kim was at the altar with me at the beginning of my marriage; God was before the beginning of time. Perspective is important.

Back to that first morning. Shortly after I spontaneously blurted out, “In the beginning, God…” I felt the tears begin to flow as I raised my hands and simply cried out, “I trust you, I trust you, I trust you.” I didn’t feel everything I was saying out loud in these first hours, but I knew them to be sound words.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalms‬ ‭91:1

My sweet wife has left many rich and healing nuggets behind through her prolific writings. Months after her death, I was rereading the book, Both Feet In, for which she was the ghostwriter. In this book, Bud Fray states, “It is fatherlike love that awakens childlike trust.” If placed firmly upon the shoulders of a good, powerful, and sovereign Father, childlike trust is appropriate, wise, and curiously beneficial.

So, my declaration to trust God, since he was, indeed, “…in the beginning,” proved to be a foundational, albeit aspirational, pronouncement. It was my declaration of intent.

“I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’” Psalms 91:2

8 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Yes, only He is bedrock for such a time as this, and for all times. In Him is peace and hope and life…again…one day Thanks D. Ray.

  2. Anonymous

    It is so intriguing and gripping to enter into a man’s experience of grief. As a female counselor, it teaches and stretches my understanding as I walk with men and women on this journey. Thank you for sharing D.Ray.

  3. Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing this intimate time with the Father. Love you & praying for you my brother!!!

  4. Anonymous

    My favorite so far. What a healing perspective!!

  5. Anonymous

    Yes, the pain does have a way of slowly leaving the body, but not the heart. I lost my Mother in 2008, my Husband in 2011, my Son in 2012, my Daughter in 2013. I did not want to see 2014 come in, but I guess God wanted me to realize that the future was in His hands, not mine. I still shed tears sometimes, but I try to go on because I know that is what my Terry and Timmy would want me to do. Thank God, I do have 4 of my Children left. I thank God for them every single day. I am blessed to have 3 of them living with me, so that does fill a lot of empty hours. Anyone who has lost loved ones in their life, I pray they can find a reason to go on.

  6. Anonymous

    Trusting when you don’t understand is really trust, not leaning into your human perspective! Thankful you went back to the beginning “with God”, D Ray! Keep writing and helping others! Kim would love it! Because she loved God, you and others!

  7. Anonymous

    My husband had been sick for two years; six months to a year past his projected life expectancy. Every one of those days was a gift from God. We lived them to the fullest. Most days, it was just sitting on the couch together watching his favorite woodworking shows on PBS or taking a drive up to see the mountains. I relished those times. Music also gave me a great comfort in the months to follow. A song that really spoke to me was “Shoulders” by For King and Country.
    “My help comes from You, You’re right here, pulling me through. You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders, your shoulders. My help comes from You, You are my rest, my rescue. I don’t have to see to believe that You’re lifting me up on your shoulders, your shoulders.” The imagery of the words gave me comfort when I was at my lowest points of grief. It’s almost 4 years now. I don’t know when it happened exactly but God has helped me find my joy again. I am excited to see what God has planned next for me. This is all in His plan, not mine.

  8. Anonymous

    Loved this line. So helpful to remember that it is because of who He is that our trust is rightly placed.

    “It is fatherlike love that awakens childlike trust.” If placed firmly upon the shoulders of a good, powerful, and sovereign Father, childlike trust is appropriate, wise, and curiously beneficial.

    Really appreciate you sharing.

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