Five Lessons About Facing Unresolved Despair Learned in Psalm 88

“…there are times when our pain is so deep that truths in our mind just can’t seem to penetrate the darkness that surrounds our hearts.” Dustin Shramek, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Pat answers don’t resolve the pain of loss. Theological retorts are no match for desperate feelings in the pit. Pain is real, and loss can cause us to plummet into despair. Sometimes, you need to embrace the unresolved anguish. And you need to discover and embrace five lessons out of Psalm 88.

1. Pray without ceasing when you face unresolved despair.

“O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry!” Psalm 88:1-2

The kind of prayer spoken of in Psalm 88 is birthed in pain and is ceaseless. It’s the friend knocking at midnight in Luke 11. Of this reluctant friend with his persistent visitor, Jesus states in verse eight, “I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.” Importunity is the descriptor of this kind of prayer used by many writers. It is a persistent prayer by faith and not by sight—a prayer from the darkness.

“Cold prayers have no claim on heaven, and no hearing in the courts above. Fire is the life of prayer and heaven is reached by flaming importunity rising in an ascending scale.” E. M. Bounds, The Complete Works of E. M. Bounds on Prayer

2. Accept unavoidable weakness when you face unresolved despair.

“I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead…” Psalm 88:4-5

Honesty about living in despair gives rise to squarely facing weakness. It’s unavoidable. No strength. It’s like being in the depths of the pit, in the dark and in the deep. Wave after wave. Sometimes you need to wait it out and just accept your vulnerability. In fact, it is wise to recognize your susceptibility to weakness.

3. Face changes in relationships when you face unresolved despair.

“You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them.” Psalm 88:8

In loss, relationships are impacted. No way around it. It just is. Relational ripples reverberate throughout your network of friends. To be fair, I’ve not been shunned. But relationships are impacted no less. Your circle of friends will never be the same.

Another example, my children were accustomed to relating to both Kim and me. I’m not a horror to them, but I’m not nearly as beneficial to them. My value was cut in half. Until Amanda joined me on my journey.

4. Ask God questions openly when you face unresolved despair.

“Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?” Psalm 88:12

Just read the Bible attentively, and you have to acknowledge that God isn’t afraid of tough questions. He did not remove them from the difficult passages. In verse one of Psalm 13, David despairs, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” God invites you to turn to him to complain and to ask your questions. Your questions keep you open to the conversation and relationship with him.

5. Embrace deep loneliness when you face unresolved despair.

“You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.” Psalm 88:18

Loss brings undeniable loneliness. While healing will come, there is an extended painful period of seeming abandonment. Again, my friends have not shunned me, but I feel the isolation all the same. The isolation is unresolved. It persists. Even in crowds, your loneliness born of loss is deep. After all, as Dustin Shramek reminds us: “In his cries and tears, Jesus was heard by the one able to save him from death, yet he still died.” Isolation, in this season, will feel like abandonment.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Mark‬ ‭15:34‬

Five lessons in Psalm 88, while uncomfortable, are valuable to learn. They are instructive in developing staying power in the pain of unresolved despair.

“…many significant sufferings have no remedy until the day when all tears are wiped away.” David Powlison, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Alarmingly, Psalm 88 does not fully resolve. The chapter ends with “…my companions have become darkness.” Some versions state, “darkness is my only friend.” The despair is not healed. There is no balm provided. The pain remains. The despondency is allowed to persist.

We should take note.

But we should learn and employ these five lessons from Psalm 88. They will enable us to face and endure unresolved despair. Pray with importunity. Accept weakness. Face changed relationships. Ask God hard questions. Embrace loneliness.

And wait it out.

“…let us not so quickly go from the affliction to the deliverance and thus minimize the pain in between.” Dustin Shramek, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

“Psalm 88 is the portrait of a godly man crying to the Lord in great suffering—and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel.” Ligon Duncan, When Pain is Real and God Seems Silent: Finding Hope in the Psalms